Day 9
Ya'll i got on the scale this morning - it said 330.8! Now do i really think i've lost almost 9 lbs in 9 days w/o dieting and only walking? NOPE! That wonderful time of the month fell right at the beginning of this journey, so I bet you i was holding onto all 9 lbs of WATER!! But, hey, it's gone and so that's good :)
Last night we were watching TV in bed, just hubby and me, catching up on Eureka and Haven. Felt a little sleepy and around 10pm, we decided to turn in. Gals, i did NOT get up and go eat while everyone was sleeping! It was hard though. I laid there in the dark for awhile arguing with myself. "I'm going to go eat", "no you are not", over and over again - i'm telling you it was quite a conversation.
But i also realized something. Do I want to be healthy? YES! Do I want it to be hard and cause pain or anguish? NO, NO, NO, GIVE ME THE COOKIES, NO, NO, NO! But see this is the problem. Let's say that my van quit running. So i take it to the mechanic and he says "well, it's going to cost $$$ to fix it, but it will be as good as new when i'm done. Now it's going to take awhile to get all the parts in and have the labor scheduled, so it might be inconvienent, but it will be well worth it ." So i say "well, i think i'm just going to take it home and try to fix it myself" - and so the tow truck drags the broken down van back to my house.
Now what am I doing to do with this thing? You all know I can't work on cars and I don't know the first thing about what is wrong with this van, but i keep it in my garage, i look at it every day, i even wash it and clean it up, i clean the engine with some 409, but the darn thing won't run no matter what i do - why??
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO FIX THE VAN! I don't know how it works, what makes it tick, or what to replace, rewire, or remove.
Isn't it the same with our bodies in regards to weight and God. He made us, yet we continually take ourselves home to try to fix it without his help. And we wonder why it is that we can't fix ourselves? It's because the ONE that can fix us, isn't being allowed to. You wouldn't take your child home from the ER with a broken arm and try to fix it yourself would you? No, you'd let the dr fix it - and while it might be painful for the dr to set the arm, the end result is a strong, healed bone in a fairly short amount of time. Yet we punish ourselves over and over again, diet after diet, year after year, when if we would just let God take control the minute we realize that we are broken, there wouldn't be all of the excess pain we heap upon ourselves. Will it be painful? Initially, yes I believe it will be. Physically, emotionally painful. However, i also believe it will be a much shorter duration of pain than if we continually keep trying to fix it ourselves without any help from Him.
Now we have to do our part, this isn't like the car shop where you can drop it off and pay the man and have it returned all shiny and new. No, this requires us working WITH God to correct our bad habits, our gluttony, and even our emotional needs.
So, how do we work with Him? This is something i'm still figuring out and i've got to take it one step at a time. For now, my biggest step is "go to bed at night and do not get up to eat" I believe that God has given me these directions and I have to be willing to just say "ok" even when everything in me is screaming to go have some chips or cookies or whatever it might be. I have to realize that obeying God is more important and more eternal than any Chips Ahoy! :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 8
so i lost count, what day am i on?? I think it's Day 8. I had school two days last week, orientation for my history and my english class and then i tried really hard to work on my computer class stuff. It's odd to me to have an online class and yet the professor just basically gives you a list of things to do and there is no real due date and no tests.
I mean, odd nice i guess but this computer class has 52 projects for me to do using Word and Powerpoint. I've done the first 4 and am working on the 5th now. So far they are easy, and i just turn them in when i'm done. Class is over in October, but realistically, i could work for the next few weeks and get them all done and turned in and this class would be over for me. So because my other classes are requiring a lot more of me, i think that this is what i might do.
Anyway, excuses over for why i haven't updated this blog. I have continued to walk every day, except Sat. and Sunday. In fact, some days i have also found myself cleaning the house more than usual. I guess maybe I am getting some extra energy from the walking in the morning, but I'm not ready to admit that to anyone but you all. If my husband hears i have more energy he will probably start asking me to do yard work - YUCK!
Eating hasn't been too horrible, but I'm still struggling with eating at night after everyone goes to bed. Oh, i made it that one night, but not since then have i done it. Even last night, i warmed up a bowl of broccoli cheese rice that I made for our church potluck yesterday - and do you really think i was craving rice? No, but it was there and that's really all i need most nights. Just nuke it and i'm done. See, i can't make too much noise at night for fear that my husband will get up and see me eating - it has to all be done in private don't you know!
This privacy thing is getting to me though. Kinda like alcoholics who drink in seclusion, this is when i do the most damage to my eating plan (ok, so i don't exactly have a PLAN right now but you know what i mean). So while i realize the dangerousness (is that a word?) of it, it has been ingrained in me somehow. I'm thinking that it began when I was a lot younger. My grandfather always had a bowl of ice cream before bed - always. So i was used to that, not that it is a good habit or anything, but it was my normal. So when i moved in with my father and could no longer have that bowl, then i started to sneak food at night, and it has just continued into adulthood. And while my husband would probably never say a word if he woke up and saw me eating, i would feel horrible and guilty and ashamed.
That begs the question, if i would feel guilty and ashamed if my husband caught me, why don't i feel guilty and ashamed when God catches me. It's not a matter of "does He see me eating this" because I know that He does. Is it because i don't physically see disappointment in his face and i might see it in my husbands? Why don't i recognize God's disappointment with me? Because i KNOW He is disappointed with how I am taking care of my body and i KNOW that He wants to help me.
It's because I'm not paying attention to Him. It's because I'm not being honest with Him. I'm hiding it, sweeping it under the rug, in hopes that i won't remember it, that i won't have to ask for forgiveness for it, that maybe somehow He didn't see. But i know that He does. He sees every single time. And yet, He is still here. He has not left because I am weak, because I mess up, because I disappoint Him. He stays right here beside me because He loves me. And He keeps waiting for me to take His hand.
My youngest daughter was baptized this Sunday. The image in my head is as i stood there beside the baptismal, seeing her grinning face going under the water, and coming back up again with an expression of sheer joy. In that moment, she was a new creation in Christ. And as i watched her face, i realized something - so am I. The day Jesus saved me when i was 14 gave me a new life. And i haven't been living like that is my reality over the past 16 years or so. But seeing her face made me remember what it is to be a new creation - Jesus says old things are passed away, behold ALL things have become new! What a great way to look at my journey. I'm not the same old person that struggled alone with her eating problems. I'm the new person who has a Savior that is present and willing to help me in my struggle. God never said he would remove trials from our lives, only that He would be there in the midst of them, teaching us and growing us.
Today God I pray that you show me the ways that i disappoint you in my eating habits. Convict my heart of my mistakes and bring me to my knees before You, so that I may heal.
I mean, odd nice i guess but this computer class has 52 projects for me to do using Word and Powerpoint. I've done the first 4 and am working on the 5th now. So far they are easy, and i just turn them in when i'm done. Class is over in October, but realistically, i could work for the next few weeks and get them all done and turned in and this class would be over for me. So because my other classes are requiring a lot more of me, i think that this is what i might do.
Anyway, excuses over for why i haven't updated this blog. I have continued to walk every day, except Sat. and Sunday. In fact, some days i have also found myself cleaning the house more than usual. I guess maybe I am getting some extra energy from the walking in the morning, but I'm not ready to admit that to anyone but you all. If my husband hears i have more energy he will probably start asking me to do yard work - YUCK!
Eating hasn't been too horrible, but I'm still struggling with eating at night after everyone goes to bed. Oh, i made it that one night, but not since then have i done it. Even last night, i warmed up a bowl of broccoli cheese rice that I made for our church potluck yesterday - and do you really think i was craving rice? No, but it was there and that's really all i need most nights. Just nuke it and i'm done. See, i can't make too much noise at night for fear that my husband will get up and see me eating - it has to all be done in private don't you know!
This privacy thing is getting to me though. Kinda like alcoholics who drink in seclusion, this is when i do the most damage to my eating plan (ok, so i don't exactly have a PLAN right now but you know what i mean). So while i realize the dangerousness (is that a word?) of it, it has been ingrained in me somehow. I'm thinking that it began when I was a lot younger. My grandfather always had a bowl of ice cream before bed - always. So i was used to that, not that it is a good habit or anything, but it was my normal. So when i moved in with my father and could no longer have that bowl, then i started to sneak food at night, and it has just continued into adulthood. And while my husband would probably never say a word if he woke up and saw me eating, i would feel horrible and guilty and ashamed.
That begs the question, if i would feel guilty and ashamed if my husband caught me, why don't i feel guilty and ashamed when God catches me. It's not a matter of "does He see me eating this" because I know that He does. Is it because i don't physically see disappointment in his face and i might see it in my husbands? Why don't i recognize God's disappointment with me? Because i KNOW He is disappointed with how I am taking care of my body and i KNOW that He wants to help me.
It's because I'm not paying attention to Him. It's because I'm not being honest with Him. I'm hiding it, sweeping it under the rug, in hopes that i won't remember it, that i won't have to ask for forgiveness for it, that maybe somehow He didn't see. But i know that He does. He sees every single time. And yet, He is still here. He has not left because I am weak, because I mess up, because I disappoint Him. He stays right here beside me because He loves me. And He keeps waiting for me to take His hand.
My youngest daughter was baptized this Sunday. The image in my head is as i stood there beside the baptismal, seeing her grinning face going under the water, and coming back up again with an expression of sheer joy. In that moment, she was a new creation in Christ. And as i watched her face, i realized something - so am I. The day Jesus saved me when i was 14 gave me a new life. And i haven't been living like that is my reality over the past 16 years or so. But seeing her face made me remember what it is to be a new creation - Jesus says old things are passed away, behold ALL things have become new! What a great way to look at my journey. I'm not the same old person that struggled alone with her eating problems. I'm the new person who has a Savior that is present and willing to help me in my struggle. God never said he would remove trials from our lives, only that He would be there in the midst of them, teaching us and growing us.
Today God I pray that you show me the ways that i disappoint you in my eating habits. Convict my heart of my mistakes and bring me to my knees before You, so that I may heal.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 3
Well, i decided that i should probably write either at the end of each day or at least by the morning of the next day. I felt that might give me a bit more perspective on the whole day as opposed to how i felt when i rolled out of bed. So yesterday i did not walk. Why? I have no reason whatsoever for it, no excuse for not doing it, and no remorse really about it. My husband had the day off work, because i had an orientation class at school and needed him to be here in the afternoon with the kids. So we slept in a bit and i just kept putting it off - ok, honestly i only thought about it a few times, it didn't really ruin my day that i didn't do it. But i did notice something...
I ate more yesterday. And i felt worse because of that. And my period started yesterday, so that did NOT help anything. We went out to dinner and i had chicken fingers and fries. I should not eat carbs and that was way overkill and my body rebelled. I felt yucky all nite. Now, i knew that i shouldn't eat them, i knew it would cause me to feel bad, but i didn't care. i WANTED them. What is the malfunction we have about knowing something is bad for us and then doing it anyway, and then having the audacity to feel bad and regret our decision? I mean, if you knew for certain that you were going to have a car wreck at 11:15 today, wouldn't you just stay home? Even if it was THE best sale you'd ever seen, you would know that the consequences would result in a banged up car, higher insurance rates, and quite possibly bodily injury to yourself or another person. I would stay home. So why, when i know the exact consequences that will happen if i eat the wrong things, do i do it anyway? I do not have an answer for this. I know, almost to the hour, when i will start to feel bad, i know in my head that it will impact my health longer than just this one day (as the carbs lead to more cravings which lead to more carbs the next meal, etc..), and i know that i should not eat this type of food. Yet, i do it anyway. And i do it over and over and over again. It would be the equivalent of driving my car everyday knowing that i'm going to have a wreck, instead of staying home. I don't have an answer to this question, maybe recognizing that this is a question i eventually need to answer is enough for now.
So no exercise, bad food, and guess what that leads to? Munching at night. It's my secret time gals. When everyone is in bed, i can probably consume another 1000 calories easily. My body waits for this time. Even when i was on Weight Watchers, i would save almost all my points so that i could eat at night when everyone else was asleep. And last night did not disappoint. 2 granola bars (and there are 2 in each pack, so really 4 of them), 2 full sugar pudding cups, and a turkey sandwich. That is a BIG meal. I don't even want to count the calories/carbs, etc.. And we are talking 11pm -1am. Again, why can't i just stop? Wow, if i could cut out 1000 calories a day, what a difference that would probably make! I've done it before and it was one of the hardest things i've done. I remember laying in bed, stomach growling (not because it was empty but because my head was telling it that it was time to eat and that it could not go to sleep unless it was stuffed), and just praying. That is the only way i survived that night. Kinda pitiful though, "God, please help my stomach quit growling, please make it quiet, please help me quit thinking about that pizza that is in the freezer, i need deliverance from the chocolate calling my name."
Surely God has bigger things to attend to than my whining about chocolate, right?! But He was there. He kept me in my bed. Kept me from going to the chocolate, because i surely did not keep myself from it. Under my own power, i would have devoured all of the chocolate AND the pizza and probably anything else that peaked my interest while in the kitchen.
I was going to only change one thing at a time and i'd picked the walking, but I was really convicted last nite as i sat in the recliner, by myself, eating my pudding cups (ok, yes, i admit they were my kids pudding cups!!) - i have to let Him handle it, i can't keep saying that i'm going to let Him control my eating and then never really give it over to Him to handle now can i? It would be like telling a CPA that you want him to do your taxes and never bringing him the receipts, doing it yourself, and then having it be wrong and the IRS comes after you for more $$, and then you blame the CPA. Doesn't work does it?
I know He wants me to be healthy, at some point i'm going to have to choose to actually let Him help me. Cause i haven't exactly been doing so well on my own, now have i?
Today's goal is to walk and to have one protein shake after dinner, before bed, and then go to bed. The extra sleep can only help me as i probably function on about 4-6 hours a night.
I ate more yesterday. And i felt worse because of that. And my period started yesterday, so that did NOT help anything. We went out to dinner and i had chicken fingers and fries. I should not eat carbs and that was way overkill and my body rebelled. I felt yucky all nite. Now, i knew that i shouldn't eat them, i knew it would cause me to feel bad, but i didn't care. i WANTED them. What is the malfunction we have about knowing something is bad for us and then doing it anyway, and then having the audacity to feel bad and regret our decision? I mean, if you knew for certain that you were going to have a car wreck at 11:15 today, wouldn't you just stay home? Even if it was THE best sale you'd ever seen, you would know that the consequences would result in a banged up car, higher insurance rates, and quite possibly bodily injury to yourself or another person. I would stay home. So why, when i know the exact consequences that will happen if i eat the wrong things, do i do it anyway? I do not have an answer for this. I know, almost to the hour, when i will start to feel bad, i know in my head that it will impact my health longer than just this one day (as the carbs lead to more cravings which lead to more carbs the next meal, etc..), and i know that i should not eat this type of food. Yet, i do it anyway. And i do it over and over and over again. It would be the equivalent of driving my car everyday knowing that i'm going to have a wreck, instead of staying home. I don't have an answer to this question, maybe recognizing that this is a question i eventually need to answer is enough for now.
So no exercise, bad food, and guess what that leads to? Munching at night. It's my secret time gals. When everyone is in bed, i can probably consume another 1000 calories easily. My body waits for this time. Even when i was on Weight Watchers, i would save almost all my points so that i could eat at night when everyone else was asleep. And last night did not disappoint. 2 granola bars (and there are 2 in each pack, so really 4 of them), 2 full sugar pudding cups, and a turkey sandwich. That is a BIG meal. I don't even want to count the calories/carbs, etc.. And we are talking 11pm -1am. Again, why can't i just stop? Wow, if i could cut out 1000 calories a day, what a difference that would probably make! I've done it before and it was one of the hardest things i've done. I remember laying in bed, stomach growling (not because it was empty but because my head was telling it that it was time to eat and that it could not go to sleep unless it was stuffed), and just praying. That is the only way i survived that night. Kinda pitiful though, "God, please help my stomach quit growling, please make it quiet, please help me quit thinking about that pizza that is in the freezer, i need deliverance from the chocolate calling my name."
Surely God has bigger things to attend to than my whining about chocolate, right?! But He was there. He kept me in my bed. Kept me from going to the chocolate, because i surely did not keep myself from it. Under my own power, i would have devoured all of the chocolate AND the pizza and probably anything else that peaked my interest while in the kitchen.
I was going to only change one thing at a time and i'd picked the walking, but I was really convicted last nite as i sat in the recliner, by myself, eating my pudding cups (ok, yes, i admit they were my kids pudding cups!!) - i have to let Him handle it, i can't keep saying that i'm going to let Him control my eating and then never really give it over to Him to handle now can i? It would be like telling a CPA that you want him to do your taxes and never bringing him the receipts, doing it yourself, and then having it be wrong and the IRS comes after you for more $$, and then you blame the CPA. Doesn't work does it?
I know He wants me to be healthy, at some point i'm going to have to choose to actually let Him help me. Cause i haven't exactly been doing so well on my own, now have i?
Today's goal is to walk and to have one protein shake after dinner, before bed, and then go to bed. The extra sleep can only help me as i probably function on about 4-6 hours a night.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Dear Diary, Day 2
Hello day 2. You kinda suck today. It is rainy and dreary, and that means i have to get on the treadmill instead of heading outside. Ok, so it is a lot cooler in the house, but for some reason walking outside makes me feel a bit happier. Maybe it's the sun, maybe i just feel free in some way, maybe it's that while i'm about to pass out i see soft grass near me, i mean, i do need a soft landing place, right? Mostly i think it's because i get to appreciate what God has made. How He has perfectly taken care of the trees, the birds, even that catepillar that keeps scooting across the track. You know, i saw that catepillar go from one side of the track to the other (about 20 feet) in the 30 minutes i was out there. He didn't give up, why should I?
Because i'm afraid of failing - again. I'm afraid of being disappointed - again. I'm afraid of disappointing those around me - again. I've been told forever that this will not happen overnight, but in reality isn't that what i expect?
Don't i expect to lose 5 lbs overnight? Don't i expect to love exercise after just 2 days? Don't i expect for the cravings to go away and never return - ever? I mean, when i want a donut, I can satisfy that urge right now can't i? So why can't i satisfy this urge to be thin right now? Reality and what we want just do not mesh in this instance. So what can i do right now - how can i satisfy, in some way, this urge to be thin, to be healthy, to be happy?
I can choose to be happy. I can choose to react to my situation negatively or positively, it is my choice. And my attitude can help direct whether i eat chips today or whether i walk. Our marriage counselor likes to say
"fake it until you make it", so i might have to "fake" being happy until it becomes my reality. I have no lofty goals that i'm going to turn into the most genuinely happy person you've ever met (besides, those people kinda annoy me) but i can strive for inner happiness, inner contentment with who i am, with where i am in life, and with my relationship with God. Will i be happy overnight with my body? Heck no! But i'm a work in progress, right?
There is a song that i used to love to sing when i was pregnant with my first child. It is so very relevant to me right now.
it is by steven curtis chapman
I can see the tears filling your eyes
and I know where they're coming from.
they're coming from a heart, broken in two
by what you don't see
the person in the mirror doesn't look like the magazine
oh but when i look at you it's clear to me
that i can see the fingerprints of god
when i look at you
i can see the fingerprints of god
and i know it's true
you're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds
and you're covered with the fingerprints of god
never has there been and never again
will there be another you
fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned
to be just who you are
and what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart
is a living,breathing, priceless work of art.
and i can see the fingerprints of god
when i look at you
i can see the fingerprints of god
and i know it's true
you're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds
and you're covered with the fingerprints of god
just look at you
you're a wonder in the making
oh and god's not through
in fact, he's just getting started....
How can i not see myself that way? Reality is that i don't on a daily basis. I know it in my head, but my heart tends to forget every second of every day. How many times do i just sob because of the weight, and then do nothing about it. Kinda like praying God will let you win the lottery, but never buying a ticket isn't it?
Maybe while i walk today the tears will flow, and maybe, just maybe, i'll let them.
Because i'm afraid of failing - again. I'm afraid of being disappointed - again. I'm afraid of disappointing those around me - again. I've been told forever that this will not happen overnight, but in reality isn't that what i expect?
Don't i expect to lose 5 lbs overnight? Don't i expect to love exercise after just 2 days? Don't i expect for the cravings to go away and never return - ever? I mean, when i want a donut, I can satisfy that urge right now can't i? So why can't i satisfy this urge to be thin right now? Reality and what we want just do not mesh in this instance. So what can i do right now - how can i satisfy, in some way, this urge to be thin, to be healthy, to be happy?
I can choose to be happy. I can choose to react to my situation negatively or positively, it is my choice. And my attitude can help direct whether i eat chips today or whether i walk. Our marriage counselor likes to say
"fake it until you make it", so i might have to "fake" being happy until it becomes my reality. I have no lofty goals that i'm going to turn into the most genuinely happy person you've ever met (besides, those people kinda annoy me) but i can strive for inner happiness, inner contentment with who i am, with where i am in life, and with my relationship with God. Will i be happy overnight with my body? Heck no! But i'm a work in progress, right?
There is a song that i used to love to sing when i was pregnant with my first child. It is so very relevant to me right now.
it is by steven curtis chapman
I can see the tears filling your eyes
and I know where they're coming from.
they're coming from a heart, broken in two
by what you don't see
the person in the mirror doesn't look like the magazine
oh but when i look at you it's clear to me
that i can see the fingerprints of god
when i look at you
i can see the fingerprints of god
and i know it's true
you're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds
and you're covered with the fingerprints of god
never has there been and never again
will there be another you
fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned
to be just who you are
and what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart
is a living,breathing, priceless work of art.
and i can see the fingerprints of god
when i look at you
i can see the fingerprints of god
and i know it's true
you're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds
and you're covered with the fingerprints of god
just look at you
you're a wonder in the making
oh and god's not through
in fact, he's just getting started....
How can i not see myself that way? Reality is that i don't on a daily basis. I know it in my head, but my heart tends to forget every second of every day. How many times do i just sob because of the weight, and then do nothing about it. Kinda like praying God will let you win the lottery, but never buying a ticket isn't it?
Maybe while i walk today the tears will flow, and maybe, just maybe, i'll let them.
Dear Diary, Day 1
So here I am. Here is the day i've been thinking about for years. This is
the day that I'm finally going to commit to something, to getting healthier
in some way. I'm not even sure which problem i'm going to tackle first.
Will it be the exercise? The eating of sugary/starchy items? The lack of
will to do anything around the house, unless company is coming and i'm
throwing stuff in closets and praying they don't want a tour!? There are
even other struggles that I face on a daily basis because of the weight. I
don't play with my girls like i should. Not only can i not really run
around with them, but i'm even too tired by the end of the day to take a
minute to sit and talk to them. I find that i yell way more than i talk,
and most of it is because i'm tired, aggravated (over nothing most of the
time), and just want to rest. But honestly, i've been resting all day! The
laundry isn't done, the dishes just made it into the dishwasher because i
needed space to make dinner, and i'm praying on the inside that my husband
doesn't freak out that for the 3rd day in a row that the beds aren't made.
And yet there is another struggle, my marriage. It's been 15 years now and
I know he has issues with my weight. Oh, i can't say that that is the only
issue that is going on around here concerning our marriage. We both have
things we are having a hard time overcoming, but looking back i can see that
my weight has put a wedge between us (ok, stop laughing, i don't mean a
physical wedge, ok well maybe it has done that also, but that's not what i'm
talking about here!). It has stopped me from going on hikes with him, from
going out as much as he'd probably like, from being active and fun-loving,
it has in essence made me miserable. So i lash out, at him, at the kids, at
myself. But I only let others see the "good, happy, content" side. My
friends at church would probably be appalled at the yelling and screaming
that goes on in my house.
So what in the world do i tackle first? Ultimately most of my issues
revolve around the sheer fact that i am not happy in my body. I am not
happy with who i've become and i don't believe this is ever how my life was
supposed to have been. But i made choices, we all have that ability, and my
choices have led me here. So what do i do now?
I tell you what i'm going to do - i'm going to pick myself back up, dust
myself off, put on my unused sneakers, find a shirt and shorts that are not
dirty, and walk. For today i'm just going to take a walk. Head held up
high, shoulders back, and I'm going to walk - and I'm going to praise Him.
Praise Him that i'm still alive, that i'm still standing, that i CAN still
walk, that i have a chance and a choice to make. So today I decide to walk.
Today I guess I should also step on the scale - I will probably faint - If there is an earthquake in the next 6 seconds, don't worry, it's just me falling over. Man, at times like these i sure wish i had one of those "i've fallen and i can't get up" buttons....drumroll please...................
so 339 - i want to puke now. That is 30 more lbs than i weighed at 9 months pregnant with my 2nd child and almost 100 lbs more than i weighed when i got pregnant with my 1st child. Really? That does make me sick to my stomach. I'm very angry with myself, and it is just this anger that pushes me to the chips. I've got to change that dynamic - oh, something else to work on, just GREAT! :)
Ok, back to what i'm going to do today - Walk, just walk.
the day that I'm finally going to commit to something, to getting healthier
in some way. I'm not even sure which problem i'm going to tackle first.
Will it be the exercise? The eating of sugary/starchy items? The lack of
will to do anything around the house, unless company is coming and i'm
throwing stuff in closets and praying they don't want a tour!? There are
even other struggles that I face on a daily basis because of the weight. I
don't play with my girls like i should. Not only can i not really run
around with them, but i'm even too tired by the end of the day to take a
minute to sit and talk to them. I find that i yell way more than i talk,
and most of it is because i'm tired, aggravated (over nothing most of the
time), and just want to rest. But honestly, i've been resting all day! The
laundry isn't done, the dishes just made it into the dishwasher because i
needed space to make dinner, and i'm praying on the inside that my husband
doesn't freak out that for the 3rd day in a row that the beds aren't made.
And yet there is another struggle, my marriage. It's been 15 years now and
I know he has issues with my weight. Oh, i can't say that that is the only
issue that is going on around here concerning our marriage. We both have
things we are having a hard time overcoming, but looking back i can see that
my weight has put a wedge between us (ok, stop laughing, i don't mean a
physical wedge, ok well maybe it has done that also, but that's not what i'm
talking about here!). It has stopped me from going on hikes with him, from
going out as much as he'd probably like, from being active and fun-loving,
it has in essence made me miserable. So i lash out, at him, at the kids, at
myself. But I only let others see the "good, happy, content" side. My
friends at church would probably be appalled at the yelling and screaming
that goes on in my house.
So what in the world do i tackle first? Ultimately most of my issues
revolve around the sheer fact that i am not happy in my body. I am not
happy with who i've become and i don't believe this is ever how my life was
supposed to have been. But i made choices, we all have that ability, and my
choices have led me here. So what do i do now?
I tell you what i'm going to do - i'm going to pick myself back up, dust
myself off, put on my unused sneakers, find a shirt and shorts that are not
dirty, and walk. For today i'm just going to take a walk. Head held up
high, shoulders back, and I'm going to walk - and I'm going to praise Him.
Praise Him that i'm still alive, that i'm still standing, that i CAN still
walk, that i have a chance and a choice to make. So today I decide to walk.
Today I guess I should also step on the scale - I will probably faint - If there is an earthquake in the next 6 seconds, don't worry, it's just me falling over. Man, at times like these i sure wish i had one of those "i've fallen and i can't get up" buttons....drumroll please...................
so 339 - i want to puke now. That is 30 more lbs than i weighed at 9 months pregnant with my 2nd child and almost 100 lbs more than i weighed when i got pregnant with my 1st child. Really? That does make me sick to my stomach. I'm very angry with myself, and it is just this anger that pushes me to the chips. I've got to change that dynamic - oh, something else to work on, just GREAT! :)
Ok, back to what i'm going to do today - Walk, just walk.
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