Dear Diary, Day 1

So here I am. Here is the day i've been thinking about for years. This is


the day that I'm finally going to commit to something, to getting healthier

in some way. I'm not even sure which problem i'm going to tackle first.

Will it be the exercise? The eating of sugary/starchy items? The lack of

will to do anything around the house, unless company is coming and i'm

throwing stuff in closets and praying they don't want a tour!? There are

even other struggles that I face on a daily basis because of the weight. I

don't play with my girls like i should. Not only can i not really run

around with them, but i'm even too tired by the end of the day to take a

minute to sit and talk to them. I find that i yell way more than i talk,

and most of it is because i'm tired, aggravated (over nothing most of the

time), and just want to rest. But honestly, i've been resting all day! The

laundry isn't done, the dishes just made it into the dishwasher because i

needed space to make dinner, and i'm praying on the inside that my husband

doesn't freak out that for the 3rd day in a row that the beds aren't made.

And yet there is another struggle, my marriage. It's been 15 years now and

I know he has issues with my weight. Oh, i can't say that that is the only

issue that is going on around here concerning our marriage. We both have

things we are having a hard time overcoming, but looking back i can see that

my weight has put a wedge between us (ok, stop laughing, i don't mean a

physical wedge, ok well maybe it has done that also, but that's not what i'm

talking about here!). It has stopped me from going on hikes with him, from

going out as much as he'd probably like, from being active and fun-loving,

it has in essence made me miserable. So i lash out, at him, at the kids, at

myself. But I only let others see the "good, happy, content" side. My

friends at church would probably be appalled at the yelling and screaming

that goes on in my house.

So what in the world do i tackle first? Ultimately most of my issues

revolve around the sheer fact that i am not happy in my body. I am not

happy with who i've become and i don't believe this is ever how my life was

supposed to have been. But i made choices, we all have that ability, and my

choices have led me here. So what do i do now?

I tell you what i'm going to do - i'm going to pick myself back up, dust

myself off, put on my unused sneakers, find a shirt and shorts that are not

dirty, and walk. For today i'm just going to take a walk. Head held up

high, shoulders back, and I'm going to walk - and I'm going to praise Him.

Praise Him that i'm still alive, that i'm still standing, that i CAN still

walk, that i have a chance and a choice to make. So today I decide to walk.

 
 
Today I guess I should also step on the scale - I will probably faint - If there is an earthquake in the next 6 seconds, don't worry, it's just me falling over.  Man, at times like these i sure wish i had one of those "i've fallen and i can't get up" buttons....drumroll please...................
 
so 339 - i want to puke now.  That is 30 more lbs than i weighed at 9 months pregnant with my 2nd child and almost 100 lbs more than i weighed when i got pregnant with my 1st child.  Really?  That does make me sick to my stomach.  I'm very angry with myself, and it is just this anger that pushes me to the chips.  I've got to change that dynamic - oh, something else to work on, just GREAT! :)
 
Ok, back to what i'm going to do today - Walk, just walk.