Well, i decided that i should probably write either at the end of each day or at least by the morning of the next day. I felt that might give me a bit more perspective on the whole day as opposed to how i felt when i rolled out of bed. So yesterday i did not walk. Why? I have no reason whatsoever for it, no excuse for not doing it, and no remorse really about it. My husband had the day off work, because i had an orientation class at school and needed him to be here in the afternoon with the kids. So we slept in a bit and i just kept putting it off - ok, honestly i only thought about it a few times, it didn't really ruin my day that i didn't do it. But i did notice something...
I ate more yesterday. And i felt worse because of that. And my period started yesterday, so that did NOT help anything. We went out to dinner and i had chicken fingers and fries. I should not eat carbs and that was way overkill and my body rebelled. I felt yucky all nite. Now, i knew that i shouldn't eat them, i knew it would cause me to feel bad, but i didn't care. i WANTED them. What is the malfunction we have about knowing something is bad for us and then doing it anyway, and then having the audacity to feel bad and regret our decision? I mean, if you knew for certain that you were going to have a car wreck at 11:15 today, wouldn't you just stay home? Even if it was THE best sale you'd ever seen, you would know that the consequences would result in a banged up car, higher insurance rates, and quite possibly bodily injury to yourself or another person. I would stay home. So why, when i know the exact consequences that will happen if i eat the wrong things, do i do it anyway? I do not have an answer for this. I know, almost to the hour, when i will start to feel bad, i know in my head that it will impact my health longer than just this one day (as the carbs lead to more cravings which lead to more carbs the next meal, etc..), and i know that i should not eat this type of food. Yet, i do it anyway. And i do it over and over and over again. It would be the equivalent of driving my car everyday knowing that i'm going to have a wreck, instead of staying home. I don't have an answer to this question, maybe recognizing that this is a question i eventually need to answer is enough for now.
So no exercise, bad food, and guess what that leads to? Munching at night. It's my secret time gals. When everyone is in bed, i can probably consume another 1000 calories easily. My body waits for this time. Even when i was on Weight Watchers, i would save almost all my points so that i could eat at night when everyone else was asleep. And last night did not disappoint. 2 granola bars (and there are 2 in each pack, so really 4 of them), 2 full sugar pudding cups, and a turkey sandwich. That is a BIG meal. I don't even want to count the calories/carbs, etc.. And we are talking 11pm -1am. Again, why can't i just stop? Wow, if i could cut out 1000 calories a day, what a difference that would probably make! I've done it before and it was one of the hardest things i've done. I remember laying in bed, stomach growling (not because it was empty but because my head was telling it that it was time to eat and that it could not go to sleep unless it was stuffed), and just praying. That is the only way i survived that night. Kinda pitiful though, "God, please help my stomach quit growling, please make it quiet, please help me quit thinking about that pizza that is in the freezer, i need deliverance from the chocolate calling my name."
Surely God has bigger things to attend to than my whining about chocolate, right?! But He was there. He kept me in my bed. Kept me from going to the chocolate, because i surely did not keep myself from it. Under my own power, i would have devoured all of the chocolate AND the pizza and probably anything else that peaked my interest while in the kitchen.
I was going to only change one thing at a time and i'd picked the walking, but I was really convicted last nite as i sat in the recliner, by myself, eating my pudding cups (ok, yes, i admit they were my kids pudding cups!!) - i have to let Him handle it, i can't keep saying that i'm going to let Him control my eating and then never really give it over to Him to handle now can i? It would be like telling a CPA that you want him to do your taxes and never bringing him the receipts, doing it yourself, and then having it be wrong and the IRS comes after you for more $$, and then you blame the CPA. Doesn't work does it?
I know He wants me to be healthy, at some point i'm going to have to choose to actually let Him help me. Cause i haven't exactly been doing so well on my own, now have i?
Today's goal is to walk and to have one protein shake after dinner, before bed, and then go to bed. The extra sleep can only help me as i probably function on about 4-6 hours a night.
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