Day 8

so i lost count, what day am i on?? I think it's Day 8.  I had school two days last week, orientation for my history and my english class and then i tried really hard to work on my computer class stuff.  It's odd to me to have an online class and yet the professor just basically gives you a list of things to do and there is no real due date and no tests.
I mean, odd nice i guess but this computer class has 52 projects for me to do using Word and Powerpoint.  I've done the first 4 and am working on the 5th now.  So far they are easy, and i just turn them in when i'm done.  Class is over in October, but realistically, i could work for the next few weeks and get them all done and turned in and this class would be over for me.  So because my other classes are requiring a lot more of me, i think that this is what i might do.
Anyway, excuses over for why i haven't updated this blog.  I have continued to walk every day, except Sat. and Sunday.  In fact, some days i have also found myself cleaning the house more than usual.  I guess maybe I am getting some extra energy from the walking in the morning, but I'm not ready to admit that to anyone but you all.  If my husband hears i have more energy he will probably start asking me to do yard work - YUCK!
Eating hasn't been too horrible, but I'm still struggling with eating at night after everyone goes to bed.  Oh, i made it that one night, but not since then have i done it.  Even last night, i warmed up a bowl of broccoli cheese rice that I made for our church potluck yesterday - and do you really think i was craving rice? No, but it was there and that's really all i need most nights.  Just nuke it and i'm done.  See, i can't make too much noise at night for fear that my husband will get up and see me eating - it has to all be done in private don't you know!
This privacy thing is getting to me though.  Kinda like alcoholics who drink in seclusion, this is when i do the most damage to my eating plan (ok, so i don't exactly have a PLAN right now but you know what i mean).  So while i realize the dangerousness (is that a word?) of it, it has been ingrained in me somehow.  I'm thinking that it began when I was a lot younger.  My grandfather always had a bowl of ice cream before bed - always.  So i was used to that, not that it is a good habit or anything, but it was my normal.  So when i moved in with my father and could no longer have that bowl, then i started to sneak food at night, and it has just continued into adulthood.  And while my husband would probably never say a word if he woke up and saw me eating, i would feel horrible and guilty and ashamed.
That begs the question, if i would feel guilty and ashamed if my husband caught me, why don't i feel guilty and ashamed when God catches me.  It's not a matter of "does He see me eating this" because I know that He does.  Is it because i don't physically see disappointment in his face and i might see it in my husbands?  Why don't i recognize God's disappointment with me?  Because i KNOW He is disappointed with how I am taking care of my body and i KNOW that He wants to help me.
It's because I'm not paying attention to Him.  It's because I'm not being honest with Him.  I'm hiding it, sweeping it under the rug, in hopes that i won't remember it, that i won't have to ask for forgiveness for it, that maybe somehow He didn't see.  But i know that He does.  He sees every single time.  And yet, He is still here.  He has not left because I am weak, because I mess up, because I disappoint Him.  He stays right here beside me because He loves me.  And He keeps waiting for me to take His hand.
My youngest daughter was baptized this Sunday.  The image in my head is as i stood there beside the baptismal, seeing her grinning face going under the water, and coming back up again with an expression of sheer joy.  In that moment, she was a new creation in Christ.  And as i watched her face, i realized something - so am I.  The day Jesus saved me when i was 14 gave me a new life.  And i haven't been living like that is my reality over the past 16 years or so.  But seeing her face made me remember what it is to be a new creation - Jesus says old things are passed away, behold ALL things have become new!  What a great way to look at my journey.  I'm not the same old person that struggled alone with her eating problems.  I'm the new person who has a Savior that is present and willing to help me in my struggle.  God never said he would remove trials from our lives, only that He would be there in the midst of them, teaching us and growing us.
Today God I pray that you show me the ways that i disappoint you in my eating habits.  Convict my heart of my mistakes and bring me to my knees before You, so that I may heal.