Dear Diary, Day 2

Hello day 2.  You kinda suck today.  It is rainy and dreary, and that means i have to get on the treadmill instead of heading outside.  Ok, so it is a lot cooler in the house, but for some reason walking outside makes me feel a bit happier. Maybe it's the sun, maybe i just feel free in some way, maybe it's that while i'm about to pass out i see soft grass near me, i mean, i do need a soft landing place, right?  Mostly i think it's because i get to appreciate what God has made.  How He has perfectly taken care of the trees, the birds, even that catepillar that keeps scooting across the track.  You know, i saw that catepillar go from one side of the track to the other (about 20 feet) in the 30 minutes i was out there.  He didn't give up, why should I?
Because i'm afraid of failing - again.  I'm afraid of being disappointed - again.  I'm afraid of disappointing those around me - again.  I've been told forever that this will not happen overnight, but in reality isn't that what i expect?
Don't i expect to lose 5 lbs overnight?  Don't i expect to love exercise after just 2 days?  Don't i expect for the cravings to go away and never return - ever?  I mean, when i want a donut, I can satisfy that urge right now can't i?  So why can't i satisfy this urge to be thin right now?  Reality and what we want just do not mesh in this instance.  So what can i do right now - how can i satisfy, in some way, this urge to be thin, to be healthy, to be happy? 
I can choose to be happy.  I can choose to react to my situation negatively or positively, it is my choice.  And my attitude can help direct whether i eat chips today or whether i walk.  Our marriage counselor likes to say
"fake it until you make it", so i might have to "fake" being happy until it becomes my reality.  I have no lofty goals that i'm going to turn into the most genuinely happy person you've ever met (besides, those people kinda annoy me) but i can strive for inner happiness, inner contentment with who i am, with where i am in life, and with my relationship with God.  Will i be happy overnight with my body?  Heck no!  But i'm a work in progress, right?
There is a song that i used to love to sing when i was pregnant with my first child.  It is so very relevant to me right now.

it is by steven curtis chapman
I can see the tears filling your eyes
and I know where they're coming from.
they're coming from a heart, broken in two
by what you don't see
the person in the mirror doesn't look like the magazine
oh but when i look at you it's clear to me

that i can see the fingerprints of god
when i look at you
i can see the fingerprints of god
and i know it's true
you're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds
and you're covered with the fingerprints of god

never has there been and never again
will there be another you
fashioned by God's hand and perfectly planned
to be just who you are
and what He's been creating since the first beat of your heart
is a living,breathing, priceless work of art.

and i can see the fingerprints of god
when i look at you
i can see the fingerprints of god
and i know it's true
you're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds
and you're covered with the fingerprints of god

just look at you
you're a wonder in the making
oh and god's not through
in fact, he's just getting started....


How can i not see myself that way?  Reality is that i don't on a daily basis.  I know it in my head, but my heart tends to forget every second of every day.  How many times do i just sob because of the weight, and then do nothing about it.  Kinda like praying God will let you win the lottery, but never buying a ticket isn't it?
Maybe while i walk today the tears will flow, and maybe, just maybe, i'll let them.